reversehaven

damn.... I hate my dad lots....
:Monday, February 28, 2005:

feeling:resentful....

Sorry this one has no pix... Its bcoz of my dad so there's no pix...

Now, net access time has become even more precious... my dad just restricted it to evenings only... wat the hell... well, I guess this means that i'll never ever get to see her (the girl I like in JJ) ever again, whether in person or online... since i'm leaving JJC... well, she only comes online in the afternoons of sat and sun... and now since i'm only allowed access in hte evening, I'll never get to see her at all...

damn.. he's been restricting me a lot.. I hated my dad since I was a kid.. Since i was a kid, everything I asked him, he'll only take his job as a pretext, and totally ignore me. He never spent quality time with me ever. Never. My mum asked him to teach me badminton, he taught me less than just the mere basics. Damn. Never spent quality time with him ever before. Sometimes, i just get so bitter, because in the house, you see him with two different faces. When he turns to face me, it would be a dark, cloudy face, or at best just a nonchalant face. when he turns to face my brother, more often than not, it becomes a smile instead. Perhaps sometimes that's why I hate my brother so much... the parental bias...

well, I don't know what I did, but he claims i messed up his computer when I was a kid... Every time ever since that chance he gave me to play computer games, he would chide me for it. I never got to play computer games ever again. until perhaps, he got me a computer.... a 486 computer when I was P5. damn... other people were using computers like pentium 2 or 3 already... I was still at a laggy stupid 486. and only educational games were allowed.. sad life, huh? THat time when I was still a kid, I asked him to let me play computer games for awhile. Simple games at that time totally intrigued me. prince of persia 1, or perhaps the simple windows games like bang bang.. I suppose some of you remember it... But I was just harmlessly playing that game till dinner time. then during dinner he claims I messed up his com.. what crap. AT that time, as a child, i was totally freaked out about it. ever since then, each time I asked him to let me play, he would either only give me the cold shoulder or chide me about that incident. but everytime, I get to see my brother play! and sometimes, he gets to play without even asking!!!

do you get pissed of how sometimes your parents compare you to people you don't even know? their colleagues' kids? I got even more pissed. There was ONCE i beat one of his colleagues kids in a math test (but we took different tests you see.. that kid was from nanyang pri.. then he compared results again, and at that time, I had 90 plus in pri 1-3) so he gave me this small cute pocket FM/AM receiver. I was so delighted... so.... elated. well, once you give something to someone, you can't take it away right? guess what? he took it away the next test because that nanyang kid beat me.. damn.... I was from pei hwa primary at that time.. well, (haha.. reminiscent from the ycs debate...) there you see.. the evils of competition. I was totally crushed from there on. Since I was a kid, I was taught by my mum how to live a dignified life. How to behave gentlemanly, how to behave like someone with brains and class. But totally, tht was destroyed by my father. Having been proven by him to be mentally inferior, I believed that I was the bottom class of society. DAmn. you can say that I owe today to him. He destroyed me. I got where I am today (and not into some boys home) because of sheer grit, sheer determination... and I guess God's love too.

Well, recently,my dad got me a palm. I thout... i thought.. I presumed that he was trying... trying to improve the relationship between us. damn. I realised actually he was giving me that as something to threaten me against should I get poor results from O lvls. damn. well tomorrow is hte result release. we shall see. If I get totally good results, I intend to ignore him the whole day. my mum only suggested that he show me love by providing more monetary support... ok.. i must admit, i'm thankful for the palm. It caused so much conveniences.

Well, since then, I was trying.. trying too to improve the situation. Trying to get him to understand me. but no. he wasn't trying at all. All went back to square one.

Well, at that time, while playing CS in sgXplorer, I met a guy who was 40+ playing CS. I realised he's a dad and he's playing to understand his son better. My hat off to him. If only he's my dad...

My dad never attempted to understand me. Let me tell you the first attempt at which he tried to spend quality time with me. Most parents seize the chance of adolescence to spend quality time with their children, because when they reach their teenage years, their children tend to want to spend time with their friends instead. Well, my dad never spent quailty time with me, never brought me fishing, cycling, or even played badminton with me. always was my mum instead. well, the first time he tried to spend quality time with me... he robbed me of my precious time on saturday morning... called my grandpa, grandma, and my aunts.. but din call my cousins... then we went to pasir ris park and there I was.. jus rollerblading all around all by myself. nothing to do. damn... was damn bored... some quality time, huh?..... sheesh.

damn.. now he even restricts my net access.. caging me like a bird.. damn. i'm so damn pissed at him. Fine lor. you do this to me, you restrict net access like that, i'm just going to be all the more stringent in letting my brother use.. in letting YOUR FAVOURITE SON use.. damn... i'm so damn pissed...

My father never spent a single cent on my education. ok, perhaps unless you count school fees. But he never asked me if I needed tuition, never spent a cent at it even then. My mother sent me for tuition, worked through her sweat and blood, and SHE provided the $$ to send me for tuition. What did my dad do? squander his money on expensive HiFi and home theatre systems, worht more than a thousand bucks. and now what are these things doing at home now? rotting and collecting dust. damn. and he didn't even fork out a cent on my tuition. My mum was slogging 24/7, stopping only to do housework and have about 6 hours rest. sure, my dad's the main breadwinner of the house. But not a responsible one at that.

My mum secretly saved up a stash of 24k. I saw her bank book.. only had about that much. I thought my parents had a main acct with about three or four times that amount, and htats my mum's personal money. Little did I realise, that that 'main account' had all its money plunged into shares, and lost totally because of my father's greed. If he had been a little smarter and sold when it went up just a bit, being satisfied with five hundred bucks or so of profit, we would have been a whole lot richer now. but no. Now I realise that that 24k is all that we have. my mum is here worrying about how she's going to provide for her course at SIM (cuz she's taking a early childhood planner course there to upgrade her skills) and provide for my brother's and my education at the same tiem. poor mum.... and my dad's there, sitting with his belly, watching tv. damn. I hate my dad.

I swear. I swear on every single one of my one lives that i'll never...NEVER be like my dad. NEVER.

I hate my father... I hate him lots. I swear. I swear on every single one of the one lives I have that i'll never be like him. NEVER.

The reversehaven spoke at 1:19 PM